In this life

I have a picture wall in my house. You have to walk by it to get to the bathroom. And on it there are all kinds of pictures, mostly of Frankie, but pictures of family, friends, and even one of Margarita (who is family). I love my picture wall. Frankie will ask me to tell him about people up there all the time. I love my picture wall.

I’ve found myself in a weird place lately. Struggling in my life with decisions that I’ve made. Full of more doubt then usual. The concept of “want to be sucessful, do the opposite of what I’ve done” really hits home with me.

I have found myself thinking about what if my life had worked out has I planned it. What if I had married someone who was sane, had not lost the great job, lived in my house with my wife and kids, happily ever after. What if I had lived out that life? 

I look at my picture wall. I realize that if I everything I wanted had come true, I would never gotten to taken all these great pictures. Create some memories that I carry with me always. The picture of my son a few hours after he was born. A picture of a round of golf with my college roommates Mike and Jason. My dad and I on the golf course. My sister, brother in law, and myself at a wedding.  Picture of Scott, Kevin, and I in a bar in Lawrence, Kansas. The list of pictures that never would have happened is endless and they are all on my wall. The pictures and memories would’ve been different.

In the other life I dreamed of, I’ve got a sucessful career, I’ve got the wife and kids that love me and adore me, I am firing on all cylinders. I wake up though. I am not that guy. 

In this life, the life I live. I struggle. I am not even close to firing on all cylinders. I am far from perfect. I have my picture wall, I have these memories. They have made the journey well worth it.